


The Guardian Angel

by minteafresha



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Biblical Themes, Christian Themes, M/M, POV Third Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 14:50:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19889629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minteafresha/pseuds/minteafresha
Summary: A pseudo-biblical story. Archangel Perry attempts to send a message, but it is hard for a mute to communicate to a hearing human mortal.





	1. A Golden Glowing Ring Floats Above His Head So You Know It’s Legit

**Author's Note:**

> This style of story is heavily inspired by Veggietales stories like Josh and the Big Wall and Jonah. Of course it is slightly edgy like Jonah, but that's ok.  
> The intensity of romance is very light. Any more intimate moments for this story seem like private ones that the reader shouldn't have.  
> Ok that is all. Enjoy!

It was the year 29 AD, in a town somewhere in Israel called the Tri-Village Area. Heinz Doofenshmiel was the town eccentric. He was a glass blower and also fixed people’s carts and stuff. Heinz also made weird inventions, usually having to do with convenience or getting rich quick. 

One day Heinz was sweeping his doorstep and hanging his clothes… at the same time. He had a contraption which allowed him to circulate his clothesline. The broom swept the ground on the same pulley system that the clothesline moved. He pressed a pedal with one foot to keep the thing powered. All he had to do now was hang clothes as the line rotated.

Passersby obviously found this freakish, but people were so used to it that they stopped making fun of him eventually. Every now and then, an outsider would walk by and stare…

“Oi! You there! What on earth is that???”

Heinz stopped the pedal and the whole machine halted. The voice belonged to a grumpy bearded man who had stopped with his goats, presumably to butcher and/or sell them. Heinz shrugged. “Well I’m just doing some cleaning. Like normal people do.”

“Ahhhahaha! Get a wife!” The man continued walking.

Heinz continued hanging clothes and pedal-pushing. He muttered to himself, “What a dummkopf! What does he know about the joy of the mechanical sciences.”

Heinz was not disturbed for the rest of the morning. He retracted the machine and packed it into his side-alley part of the property.

By the middle of the day, Heinz was set up for taking customers in his workshop.

A sign outside was freshly switched to read “OPEN.” The large permanent sign above it said “Doofenshmiel Crafting Incorporated.”

Business was slow today, as usual. A woman came to buy a glass jar, and someone dropped off a wheelbarrow. Heinz was replacing the legs of a table, which was due for pickup in the evening, when there was a clattering in the back of the shop.

Heinz turned, mid-hammer. “Uh… hello?”

He laid his hammer on the ground and rose from his stool and approached the sound. “Who’s the-ere? I’m not gonna hurt you, I’m weak and middle aged.” He shuffled through the dusty dark corner with shelves and extra supplies. He fumbled around his boxes for a lamp and lit it. Nothing…

Except a glowing in the corner, like a flame, but not Heinz’s own. He suddenly shrieked, “Hey I’ve got oily rags back there, be careful!” There was a rapid fluttering sound, like a pigeon taking off. “What the…?”

A pair of teal wings appeared out of the shroud of darkness before the craftsman. That is to say, the two wings popped up from behind some crates. 

“OH GOD,” Heinz yelped.

A short glowing figure came out of hiding. The figure sneezed from the dust, and Heinz flinched. The figure’s glowing dissipated, and soon Heinz’s lamp was the only light again. Heinz backed out of the storage area and blew out the lamp.

The inventor said, “Come out into the light right now . . .” His eyes darted around. “.... COWARD.”

Quiet footsteps made their way toward Heinz and into view. The figure was an angel.

The angel had white robes and fake wings, like the kind you get for a Halloween costume. The halo was real, though, and that’s how you know they’re an angel. The angel also carried a long horn with a ribbon tied to it. The angel raised the horn to his mouth-

And Heinz quickly said, “There’s a noise code around here, man!”

-And the angel blew the horn.

_ PAAAR-REEE! _

An unearthly sound, like a trumpet and a flute in one. Well you could probably play those at the same time and at the same volume and it would sound like it, so maybe it was fairly earthly.

Heinz ran outside to check if anyone was looking for the source of the loud horn sound, but no one had come to complain. He could have sworn it could have been heard for like a kilometer radius at least. Heinz returned, and the angel was still standing there.

“What was that all about? I could have gotten in trouble! And the king’s court sucks, so that’s really bad.” Heinz glared at the angel. “Who are you and what are you doing in my shop, anyway???”

Now Heinz finally took a moment to realize what exactly the trespasser looked like. The small figure was a teal duck-billed platypus. How was that something he would miss?

The angel tapped at the teal ribbon on his horn. Heinz somehow seemed to understand what this meant, in a convoluted way. The ribbon was assigned to the angel’s identity, and the ribbon was attached to the horn, and the horn….

“Perry the Angel? Your name is Perry?” Heinz asked. 

The angel nodded. He slung the horn on his back and advanced toward the craftsman even more. Heinz backed away slowly. Perry stopped. Perry gestured to the workshop and then pointed upward to the sky. This was very very unclear to Heinz, let alone anyone else who ever existed.

“You… okay I think I get it. You got a halo and a heralding horn, I get it. Do you want me to make something for God?”

The angel shook his head. He mimed taking something out of his mouth. He repeated the motion and then pointed at Heinz.

“Well. I have no idea what you’re trying to tell me. I am guessing I should just do what I normally do since it involves my work. That should probably be fine.” Heinz scuttled back to his hammer and stool and began to fix the table again.

Perry sighed and trudged to where Heinz was working and sat on the floor to watch him work. The legs of the table looked…. like crab legs. Perry pointed at the fourth leg of the table, not yet attached and laying on the floor.

Heinz wiped his upper lip. “Hm? Oh. Yes, I’m upgrading the table to walk! You know, they’re legs and I figured that anything with legs should be able to walk. Common sense, really.”

The angel frowned up at the craftsman.

Heinz rolled his eyes and said, “Okay, they didn’t  _ ask _ for the upgrade, but - but I’m sure they’ll appreciate it greatly. You’ll see, Perry the Angel.” He continued until all the legs were replaced.

Heinz stood and turned the table so it could stand on its own. The table crawled around as the wind blew in from the open entrance, and pushed it. “Wind-powered. Neat, huh?”

He put his hands on the table to stop it. “It’ll be fun, like if there’s a picnic and you need to get the food to all the people in the field.” Perry smiled, and thought to himself that Heinz was fit to be a prophet just like the boss said.

Heinz stretched his back and said, “How about a break? Would you like something to drink, Perry the Angel?”

They retreated into the house and sat at the kitchen table together. Perry conjured a fancy chalice from thin air and Heinz poured water into it. He used a glass pitcher. It was actually kind of ridiculous how many glass items he had. Little swan and dolphin and fish glass figures and things like that. Many were colored and would glitter when the sun passed through them. Heinz found Perry dumbfoundedly staring at all the glass plates and vases and figurines.

The craftsman chuckled sheepishly and said, “Oh, yes, I should probably recycle some of these old things or sell them. I’m starting to run out of space. Maybe we can go try to sell them in the rich people market..”

The angel perked up. The angel pointed at Heinz and himself. Heinz’s eyes widened. “Oh I said “we,” didn’t I? Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to. We just met! But whatever.” The angel shook his head and shook his hands “no”, and then made a thumbs up.

Heinz leaned in and said, “Aw thank you, Perry the Angel. That’s very polite.” He leaned out. “Well I suppose it is in your nature to be polite.”

The next thing they knew, someone arrived at the entrance to the workshop. She rang the chime and called out, “Mr. Doofenshmiel, I am here for my table.”

Perry turned in his seat while Heinz got up. Heinz opened the door which connected the house with the shop and said, “Hello, Miss Levie, I’ll be right with you.” Heinz stepped down into the shop and detached the clamp on the table which kept the table tied to the wall. The table crawled around the room until it reached Miss Levie.

Miss Levie looked at the table in horror. “What…. did you do… to my table??!!!”

Heinz said proudly, “I fixed it!”

“You  _ ruined _ it!” Miss Levie slapped Heinz in the face. “What am I supposed to do now, this is my table, this was my mother’s table, and you just made it into a monster!”

Heinz rubbed the sore spot on his cheek. “It’s just a table.”

The woman exploded. “IT IS  _ MY _ TABLE!” She had her hands balled into fists at her side. “I am now going to have to cook on the floor for my friends tomorrow unless you can actually fix this table by the morning, _ and _ deliver it in the morning. I will take my business elsewhere forever if you mess this up, Mr. Doofenshmiel. Good day, sir!” With that, Miss Levie turned her stride and stormed off.

Heinz stood with his hands on his hips, contemplating the fading daylight and his embarrassment from his neighbors who observed the debacle.

Perry softly approached Heinz’s side from behind and looked up at Heinz. Heinz looked to Perry and said, “Another satisfied customer, eh?” He let his arms fall. “Ah, let’s call it a day.”

The strangest thing was that Heinz felt like he had known this angel for years. It must have been the miraculous magic or whatever, making him feel better. Maybe it was like those guardian angels that help you but you don’t know it, and his angel finally appeared to him. Maybe Heinz was just lonely.

The truth was that Heinz always talked to himself and he finally was able to direct that energy into talking to a real person. And if you are wondering if Perry the Angel can be seen by other people, then I am here to say that he can. But he is very small so he easily goes unnoticed. A secret to all except those who are worthy… and just happen to look down once in a while.


	2. The Angel’s Backstory

Archangel Perry had worked as a sergeant throughout his whole life, fighting off the baddies that tried to slip in from other realities, and also the devil. It was thrilling to fight alongside other angels and take down those who dared to invade heaven and earth.

Angels all had the same uniform, no matter what rank. They came in all shapes and sizes; sometimes there were amorphous and ethereal. How they fit into the robes, it is hard to comprehend with a human mind, but it was possible. They all had a wind instrument of some kind, with a unique sound to each angel’s identity.

Perry considered the angels as his family. The only people he had ever known. He had never met any humans; he only observed from afar and knew what they were like, but he never interacted with them. The dead spirits of humans in heaven were to be protected only. The living spirits were to be guided by different angels. Besides, Perry and the rest of the army were needed at the front of the lines to fight off evil. That was their job.

One day, Archangel Perry had finished a battle in defeating a chaos demon horde, but one of the demons slipped away. Perry reported this to the boss.

The boss, aka God, said, “There has been a shift in reality that can only be fixed with your help, Archangel Perry. I need you to guide some of the loose chaos forces that have seeped into the earth.” She waved her hand over in the distance to refer to the earth. 

Perry was confused. Why not a guardian or servant, instead of a soldier?

The boss continued. “Angels can have every job. I didn’t make it a rule that you couldn’t. Well I guess it was kind of implied in the beginning that every angel has one job. Beside the point, you are responsible for this demon and you know this enemy well. It is with your judgement that I trust you will know how to treat the chaos forces.

“Now for the specifics. The chaos forces have settled in the bodies and souls of a few humans, one of them being Heinz Doofenshmiel. And since Heinz lives in the Holy Land, I figured that his new power of causing chaos could be used for good and for spreading my word. All the bad things that will happen to him will be worth a lesson someday. Tell him that I want to speak through him, and he will do great miracles. Now go forth.” The god broke her solemn expression and smiled. “And have fun!”

Perry set off and floated down to where the other angels were talking and joking. Perry hugged his friends goodbye.

Lyla the Angel said, “Wow, sory that whole demon mess turned out for extra work.”

Perry shrugged. This meant he was okay with it and was happy to do his job.

Lyla said, “You’ve always got that drive in you, I love you for that.”

Pinky the Angel quivered and gave Perry a hearty pat on the back. Pinky was a private and wasn’t a good fighter, but had a lot of spirit. Perry was glad to have his friends for support. Especially in times like these.

Francis the Angel said, “We are gonna miss you so much, Angel P. I guess I’m in charge now since you’ll be gone.”

Carl the Angel said, “Oh no, Lyla’s going to be the next sergeant! She has more leadership in her little finger than you have in your whole body.”

Francis said, “Nuh-uh. I’m a sergeant major for a good reason.”

Carl said, “So’s Lyla.”

Perry hugged Francis and Carl while they were still arguing. Then they all waved goodbye as Perry floated away. And Francis and Carl were still arguing. Archangel Perry dived over the edge of heaven with a grand sweeping  _ swoosh _ ...

Then everything was quiet. He fell down, down, down, into a nothingness that was the wormhole tunnel between heaven and earth. Then muted colors appeared, the limited colors of earth. To an angel, it felt like a black and white movie. It felt weird and fake.

Then Perry’s surroundings materialized to become a dark, cramped, dusty corner.   



	3. Personal Fondue

It has been a few months since Perry appeared to Heinz Doofenshmiel, and he still had not stopped appearing.

Terrible things started happening to Heinz for those months, even worse than what usually happened to him before the appearance of the angel. Rockslides and stampedes, out-of-control oil fires, and lots and lots of broken glass. Nobody except Heinz got hurt, thankfully, but also unthankfully.

One beautiful morning, Heinz was out at the beach, delivering repaired nets he helped one of his clients with. He also decided it was high time to get some real R’n’R done while they were at it. Archangel Perry was dressed for occasion: robes with a palm tree pattern. The two of them carried a folded fishing net each.

Heinz said cheerfully to Perry, “Once we make this delivery, it’ll be sandcastles and sunbathing for us!” At this, Heinz began skipping in the sand, toward the dock, excited to get work over and done with. Perry hurried along.

At the dock, there was a panda bear named Peter who ordered the fish nets to be mended. He and his friends had seen the craftsman in the distance with the nets, and began preparing their boat for takeoff. The craftsman and the angel held out the nets to him, but Peter only accepted the one from Perry. Heinz was left awkwardly carrying the net at arm’s length. “Um, Mr. the Panda, you have two.”

Peter put the net in his boat, and motioned for Heinz and Perry to follow him and help with the fishing.

Heinz said, “Me? You’ve got a crew, and I was going to go relax on the beach…”

Peter made a tummy-rubbing motion and lifted both paws toward Heinz as if he were giving something to him.

The craftsman said, “Oh, free food? aaAWWL _right_!!!” He and Perry clambered into the boat, and Peter and his friends sailed out to sea. 

They had travelled a fair distance away from the shore before they stopped. Perry was perfectly perched stiffly like a gull on the end of the boat, arms folded behind his back, vigilant to any danger. The crew had enough sense to understand that Perry was a heavenly force, and so they did not order him to do anything. Heinz, Peter, Tom the Tortoise, and a human named Nate began fishing, but they came up with nothing. Two hours later...

Nate said, “Look, I think we got a catch!” He and Tom hauled the net over and everyone in the boat gathered to observe Nate unwrapping the net. The glorious bounty amounted to a whopping ... sandal and somebody’s beach towel. A round of groans and aww’s sounded as they departed from the huddle.

Heinz ambled back to his seat on the boat and said, “Perry the Angel, I’m gonna be seasick… I must confess I’ve never been on a boat before.”

Perry sported a worried countenance and rubbed Heinz’s back, pretending that did anything to help. Heinz suddenly made a gagging noise, and the rest of the crew backed away to the other side of the boat. Tom the Tortoise said, “I think it was a bad idea to bring this guy.”

Heinz said, “Nevermind me, nevermind, just keep doing your thing!” He held his mouth in hopes to keep his breakfast down.

Peter then grunted with his nasally panda voice and pointed toward the shore, and the crew put their attentions to that instead. The tortoise clambered up Nate’s back to get a better look. Someone on the shore was telling them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat. How could they argue? So they did.

Once the three crew members had gotten the nets in the water, Heinz joined them. He was wiping his mouth and spitting occasionally into the water. “Oh, how can you catch anything after so long? Let’s just go back.”

Tom the Tortoise shushed him as a sign to be patient. Sure enough, the swarming and splashing sounds of fish filling the nets grew, and it became a cacophony of fins and tails and water. The boat leaned heavily, almost tipping over. Peter signaled with a grand sweep of his arm to haul the nets over before they all sank.

Perry was the only one who knew that the fish seemed to like whatever the upchuck was that Heinz had deposited into the sea… No matter, as long as Peter and his friends were happy.

Heinz said, “Oh woah, this is amazing! I’ve never seen this much of one thing since I went to my cousin’s ranch and they had like a field of hay bales as far as the eye could see. Yeah, you guys shoulda seen it. It was like a grid and-”

Nate said, “Would you shut up and help???”

“Oh, right,” Heinz said sheepishly.

He went to tug uselessly at one corner of the net. At that moment, the rest of the crew had pulled up enough weight that the whole load of fish came up and sloshed over the boat… And all over Heinz Doofenshmiel.

Perry the Angel immediately dove into the mess and pulled him out. The craftsman was scratched and scuffed and soaked all over from being under so many live fish. He gasped and sputtered, reeling from shock. “I am never fishing ever again!”

Peter and his friends went back to the mainland with tons of fish, and nets that had now been ripped twice. Peter handed the two guests some fish strung together for later, as payment for their troubles. Heinz took the fish and wearily said, “I suppose you’ll be needing me to fix those again later, huh?” He pointed at the nets, still draped on the boat. Peter nodded, slightly embarrassed.

Tom and Nate were eating with the person who had spoken to them from the shore earlier, and they waved at Peter for him to join them. Peter waved at them, and turned back to Perry and Heinz. He gave both of them hugs and warm looks of appreciation, and departed.

Heinz was getting hungry, and he had had enough of fish. “Let’s go home.”

On the walk home, Heinz was being unusually quiet. Perry the Angel studied his face, and Heinz noticed, so he smiled at him. A fake smile.

After a little while, Heinz said, “Something is wrong. But somehow it’s right.”

Perry sniffed the air. The reek of fish.

Heinz said, “All these bad things have happened to me since I met you. But everyone else is so lucky. I don’t understand.” Heinz looked at Perry with a look of confusion and despair. “I thought you were going to be the good part of me. I don’t understand.”

Perry looked at Heinz with an intense stare, hoping to get the message of his mission across, finally. Usually it was so easy for other angels and spirits to understand what Perry was thinking. But Heinz was so… dense! It was the hardest thing Perry ever had to do. No clash of spears, no chasm of void, no spoiled three layer dip could amount to the pain of not being able to tell Heinz something…

Heinz said, “I’m sorry. I’m trying to wrap my head around all this still. Like, what does God want from me? I’m… nobody!”

Perry stopped in his tracks. Heinz stopped as well, confused, and turned to face Perry. “Perry the Angel? Let’s go.”

Perry peered into Heinz’s eyes, still hoping to be read. And Heinz stared back, slightly annoyed, attempting to will Perry to keep walking. Perry was calm and adamant, and he slowly reached up; his arm seemed to stretch, or Heinz just leaned forward, but you can never be sure. Curious, Heinz let his eyes follow Perry’s hand. The angel placed his hand in the middle of Heinz’s chest. At first Heinz was surprised, but then he looked back into Perry’s face. And they both seemed to know.

Heinz breathed in and out with long breaths, Perry’s hand still on his chest. “.....Thank you.” Perry withdrew his hand.

And they walked home.

* * *

After 44 years of being with Archangel Perry on earth, Heinz Doofenshmiel died.

A chain of events caused by the chaos energy attached to Heinz’s soul led to the king being overthrown, allowing the working people to start the Tri-Village Area anew. And Heinz never knew it was his doing. As a matter of fact, it was him AND many other people. No one really is alone in these endeavors.

In the afterlife, the angel soldiers had a welcoming party for Perry - and by extension Heinz, since they arrived at the same time. Francis, Lyla, Pinky, Carl, and God herself came to hug Perry in one big group hug.

Francis the Angel said, “It was not the same without you. I kept expecting to see you on the battlefield but you weren’t there, but I will let you know we held our own!”

Lyla said, “He had to take a vacation for a year in the beginning because he was so scared.”

Francis said, “It was eleven months!”

Carl said, “Well, anyway, everything was fine without you, Angel P, but it really is wonderful to have you back.”

Pinky yipped in agreement and burst into tears. Perry patted Pinky on the back to calm down his overly emotional friend… It sure was good to be back.

Heinz shyly shuffled toward the bustling excited group and attempted to greet them, but was only able to speak in small um’s and ah’s.

Everyone ignored him - all except for Perry, who had noticed in the middle of catching up with his friend Maggie. Perry floated over to him, and held his hand. Perry brandished his horn and took a deep breath and-

“PAAAAA-REEEEeeee!”

The grand sound silenced the group. Perry guided Heinz over to his friends. Heinz said timidly, “Uh hellooo, my name is Heinz… Doofenshmiel.”

An awkward moment of everyone staring at him passed. They looked at Heinz holding hands with Perry and they remembered who he was.

“OHHHH Heinz, yeah!!!”

“Congratulations, man! Good thing dying exorcises you, huh?”

“Don’t say that, Carl, he doesn’t know anything about that.”

“Bark, bark!”

The crowd broke up into a mess of excitement once again. God said, “These people are just jocks, I understand if you don’t want to be around them.”

Heinz said, “Thank you, Your Majesty…” He and Perry half-bowed to God and half-ducked out of the crowd.

They floated out to where Heinz would be living for eternity. It looked just like his old house, except better. Two stories, a warehouse-sized workshop. It was everything!

They went into the kitchen. There was a walk-in pantry, a magic stove, all magic appliances. Like if you thought of something you wanted, it would just appear in the cupboard. Heinz looked at something on the counter, and squealed. “Oh my god! A fondue pot!”

Perry followed, watching Heinz explore the house, jumping from place to place and throwing bath bombs into the tub to see what would happen. Perry actually had something important to tell him, but he had to wait.

Finally the tour was done. Archangel Perry floated into one of the chairs in the kitchen. Heinz sat down at the table, cradling the fondue pot like a baby. “I can do anything I want now! I can make whatever I want, I can fly, I can eat all the chocolate-covered strawberries I want.”

Perry chattered to get Heinz’s attention.

Heinz said, “And you can have your own fondue pot too, we just have to ask.”

Perry conjured a spear with a flick of his wrist and held it up loftily. Once a sergeant, always a sergeant.

Heinz was unfazed from a sharp weapon being in the house, but became a little sad. He looked down. “And I… cannot hang out with you.”

The craftsman’s reborn spirit said, “You were always there for me, saving my sorry butt every day. Thank you for that. Like, you were both physically my guardian angel and also emotionally and mentally. And heaven would seriously not be the same without you. I would rather get hit by a bunch of boulders every week and still live with you, than live carefree forever and never see you ever again.”

For the first time in a very long time, Perry began weeping.

“No, Perry the Angel, don’t cry.” Heinz pushed aside the fondue pot and reached across the table, offering his outstretched palms. “Remember you told me that I have to sacrifice things so other people can thrive and do great things? That helped me to be strong. And I learned that I _am_ good, I _am_ somebody.”

Perry, still crying long and ugly tears, picked up Heinz’s hands and started kissing the backs of them repeatedly like an idiot who doesn’t know how to say goodbye. So it was really true, that they were never going to see each other again. Heinz let a few tears roll down his face as well. “I don’t believe you… It doesn’t have to be this way.”

Suddenly, a gigantic eye took up the entirety of the window next to them. “Didn’t you guys read the instructions? I said there would be no tears!”

Of course, it was God. Perry and Heinz stopped crying, and they felt better for some reason. God glared at Perry, “And I thought I told you that you could quit your job.” She put her finger to her chin thoughtfully. “Well I suppose it was implied that you had a main job to do and had to return to it after the guardian gig.” Then she pressed her face to the window again. “But that is FALSE!”

Perry smiled and ran up to the window (which had no barrier or glass) and kissed God on her nose. God said, “You are very welcome.” And God floated away. The appearance of this looked like a blue whale rushing past an observation window.

Heinz went up to the window next to Perry, and viewed the bright landscape with his… match made in heaven.

And so Archangel Perry and Heinz Doofenshmiel lived happily ever after, making sandcastles, blowing glass, riding horses through forests, and eating fondue.

The end.


End file.
